The Last Tear
by bobby0804
Summary: AU - after Shadowplay. Boyd, Grace and Spencer all struggle to cope with what has happened. Spencer's angry, Boyd is drunk and Grace is struggling to keep things together. Lots of angst! PLEASE REVIEW!


_(Song title and lyrics are taken from __**Trapt**__'s '__**The Last Tear.**__')_

_AU Song fic, set after S4 episode Shadowplay._

**The Last Tear**

The cold case offices were deserted. Not that Boyd had expected anything different, but still the silence seemed to stir up goose bumps along his arms. Ignoring the feeling he walked through the unit towards his own office, trying not to look over at Mel's desk, or the board. The letters that formed her name, written by his own hand, still danced out brightly against the clear screen on which they proudly stood.

Reaching his office Boyd faltered, braced a hand against the doorframe to support himself, the other covered his eyes as he demanded them to stop watering. After a moment he gained his composure and made it to his desk. He dropped his coat and suit jacket onto the back of his chair before rolling his shirt sleeves up. Satisfied, he grabbed his over stacked inbox file, determined to get through the pile before the day was out.

A glance at his watch told him that he had an hour to change his mind about the funeral, but Boyd knew that wasn't going to happen. He couldn't go. Mel wouldn't mind, if anything, he thought she would understand more than anybody else. She was gone. She was dead. He just needed to push it away and move on, pining for her would not change anything. The others would be there. Boyd unplugged the extension to his office phone and then switched off his mobile too. He did not want to be disturbed. Blinking his eyes again Boyd blew on his hands and tried to rub some warmth into them before picking up his pen, determined to work through the day.

**Sharp pain when you breathe in deepNo one to catch your insecurities**

Thirty minutes later Boyd glanced at his watch again. He was making slow progress, but it was better than nothing, he promised himself. He almost jumped in his seat when he heard the sound of a door slamming and hurried footsteps, heals slapping against the tiled flooring. "Grace," Boyd muttered to himself before staring down at the file with renewed interest, hoping she would not disturb him. He knew it would not work.

"There you are."

Boyd looked up, letting his annoyance show. "Well it's not like I've been hiding."

"I've been calling you. I thought you would be here." She pauses as she not-so-discreetly looks him up and down. She takes in the creased shirt, the stubble on his face and the bags under his eyes. "So you meant it."

Boyd can hear the distaste in her voice. The pen he earlier clutched so tightly in an effort to erase the memories of Mel from his mind dropped to the desk. It made a soft thud as it sat on the file. The thud seemed to echo around the room. Finally, Boyd spoke. "Yes. I meant it."

"Why?" It was a question but it sounded more like a plea.

Boyd sighed, trying to fight his irritation, not wanting to take his anger out on Grace. _This isn't her fault_, he told himself. "What is the point?" His voice dripped with bitterness. "It's not going to change anything."

"It will help you."

"Me?" Boyd's look is incredulous. "Me?" With growing anger he stood up and pushed away from his desk. "Do I look like I need help, Grace? DO I?" His voice was almost a roar, then, as sudden as his anger flared, it was gone again, and he didn't know what was happening. "Mel needed help Grace, and I was too late. The last thing I need to do is go there, surrounded by her family, her friends…" He paused slightly, "I can't face it Grace, I just can't do it." He expected her to be mad, to tell him that it will make him better, ease his grief, but she doesn't. Instead she just nods her head.

"I'm going to be late." With that she is gone.

With her departure the office seems eerily quiet again, almost like the room is dead. _Stop thinking about death_, he warned himself. Pacing away the quiet Boyd reached over and took out a bottle of scotch from his top draw, deciding that today he deserved a few drinks to ease the tension in his body. He slumped back down into his chair and unscrewed the cap. Deciding today was no day for the formalities of a glass he drunk straight from the neck of the bottle and savoured the burn he felt with the taste. A few more gulps and Boyd started to feel more relaxed.

Looking back down at the file, Boyd knew he couldn't focus, especially not after Grace's visit. Everything in the office was a reminder of Mel. _Why did I come here_, he wondered? A few more drinks from the bottle and Boyd tried once more to work, but each time he looked at the paperwork the words and letters seemed to blur. He yawned. Rubbed at his eyes. Stretched his back in the office chair. Suddenly the bottle was empty and Boyd didn't know how that happened so quickly. He looked at his watch and realised that two hours had passed. The funeral would be over. _She really is gone, _Boyd thought, before leaning over his desk and resting his head on the pile of paperwork. _She really is gone_. Sleep came quickly.

**So attached to the feelings that you fakeYour weakness is your only strength**

A loud and insistent car horn from outside woke Boyd. He glanced at his watch and saw that he had only been out for an hour. As he made to stand his feet seemed to sway. It took a minute to remember the bottle. He grabbed his phone and wallet, deciding to leave the office, being their wasn't helping his desire to forget about Mel. As he reached the door Boyd saw the rain coming down. He turned his phone on and saw the numerous missed calls from Spencer and Grace. With a sigh he turned it back off and headed into the rain, knowing that a walk would help to clear his head. As he walked he passed the local off license and this alone brought back memories, he could remember the many times he had nipped over to the shop for a bottle of red to pacify Grace, and the times when Mel had brought back a crate of lager to celebrate a birthday or promotion… Boyd entered the shop and picked up another bottle of scotch before heading home, not once thinking about the three mile walk and the soaking rain. He didn't care, he couldn't feel anything anyway.

**Only your fear has driven your decisionsHas pain become your own addiction**

The funeral was grim. Spencer stood by Grace's side, trying to be strong for her. After the placing of the stones on the grave Grace began to sob. Spencer held her hand and somehow, through the tears and the pain, she was able to smile. Spencer knew he had to be their for Grace, despite his own pain, but with those emotions he could feel anger bubbling beneath the surface too. _Boyd should be here_, he thought, _Boyd should be with Grace. Where the hell is he? _Spencer knew he had to keep his anger in check. After the ceremony ended Grace and Spencer headed to the pub, Spencer claimed it was a personal tradition his family had, to drink a pint to the deceased after the funeral. Grace didn't complain. They sat and drank just the one, anymore than that, Spence said, and it broke his tradition; and they talked. About Mel. About their past. And the future. Before getting into the car Grace held Spencer's face in both hands then kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you for today Spencer. You have no idea how much it meant to me, having you their with me." Somehow, like Grace earlier, Spence felt himself smile a little. "Come on, I'll drop you off home or you'll drown in this rain." Spencer cold not disagree.

As Grace drove home they passed a figure weaving along the street, walking down the road with a bottle in his hand and no coat or jacket on.

"Bloody fool," Spencer laughed, "bet the beer's taken care of the cold." Grace nodded and laughed for a moment before stopping the car. "Oh God Spence." Spence peered into her mirror to see what was wrong. "That bloody fool's Boyd."

Spencer felt his stomach tighten as his residing anger reminded him that it was not yet gone. Shaking the feelings away he tried to reassure Grace. "I'll go get him, you wait here." He jogged down the path and was surprised to see Boyd in the state he was, Spencer had never seen him drunk before.

"Afternoon Spencer," Boyd said as though passing him in the office on an ordinary work day.

"What the hell are you doing?" Spencer almost had to shout over the rain.

"Having a drink?" Boyd nodded towards the half drunk bottle in his hands, "…and…" he added with some thought, "walking home."

Spencer grabbed Boyd's arm and pulled him towards the car. "Come on, you've got a lift."

*

Boyd dosed in the back of the car, his forehead resting against the window, his hair making a pattern in the condensation. Grace tutted but said nothing more. When they got to Boyd's house Spencer managed to wake his boss up and he stumbled out of the car, nearly tripping over the kerb. Boyd patted his pockets and laughed as he realised he was locked out. "My keys are at the office." Grace shook her head with disapproval as she began to rummage through her bag. "Lucky I have a spare."

"Hey," Boyd said, still laughing at himself, "have you been spying on me?"

"You gave me the key Boyd." She opened the door and ushered the two men inside as Boyd quietened down again. Spencer stood in the entrance of the house and shook his head, struggling with his anger. "You can laugh on a day like today?"

Despite his drunken state Boyd picked up on the tension quickly and felt his own temper rise a little. "Give me a break will you," he snapped, "For God's sake."

**Your so emotional yet I don't think you feel anything **

"Sure," Spencer said with mock cheerfulness. Grace watched the two men and took an automatic step back, wondering where this was going to go. Would it be healthy for them to air their grievances with each other, she wondered? Not when Spencer was wrongly blaming Boyd for his friends death, or when Boyd was too drunk to get out of a car alone. "I'll give you a break. You look like you need one? What have you been doing today eh?"

"I've been working" Boyd cut in angrily.

"While we buried Mel!"

"Spence-" Grace cut in, "we should go."

"We buried Mel and you went out and got pissed up! You're such a self centred-"

"Spencer!" Grace shouted, trying to pull him back from his verbal attack.

"Leave him Grace," Boyd muttered, leaning a hand against the wall to steady himself, suddenly wishing he was sober for this conversation.

"You're a coward!" Spencer's voice grew with his anger. At this insult Boyd said nothing and Grace couldn't help but wonder what was going through his mind. Did he agree? This wasn't good for either of them. She gently patted Spencer's arm. "Come on, we can have this discussion another time. Today it not the day."

Spencer suddenly turned on Grace, no longer able to stop his anger, he had been fighting it since Mel's death. He was past the point of no return. "Stay out of this! It's between me and him. Why do you always protect him? He uses you and you let him, its ridiculous."

Grace felt tears well in his eyes. Boyd rushed over and pushed Spencer against the wall angrily. He moved away after realising what he had done, and pointed a warning finger at his face instead. "Don't you ever speak to her like that. EVER!" Spencer pushed Boyd back. "Or what?" Boyd shook his head and laughed again, but it was tainted with anger at Spencer's behaviour. "What have I done to you Spencer?"

Spencer pushed away from the wall and began to circle Boyd. "What have you done to me? Nothing. But to Mel?" Boyd closed his eyes at the mention of Mel but Spencer continued, too far past the point where he could walk away. "You kill her, and yet you still don't have the decency to bury her? What kind of man are you?"

"JORDAN SPENCER!" Grace was furious. "How dare you speak to him like that!" She moved in, expecting Boyd to fly at his DI, but instead his shoulders drooped and he took at step back with his head down. His eyes were wet and Grace couldn't tell if it was from the rain or tears.

"Just go," Boyd whispered, "just go." He turned and headed into the house away from them.

"That's right Boyd, just run away from it all!"

Grace hushed Spencer then hurried him from the house. When they got to the car he turned to look at her, his features devastated. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice quiet, almost meek. Then without warning he began to cry, and Grace held him in the rain as the young man grieved. "I'm so sorry," Spencer chocked out, his voice muffled as Grace held him. "I just miss her, so much." Grace fought back her own tears as she comforted him in Boyd's front garden. "It's okay Spence, we all do. Its okay…"

**You always swear this is theLast tear you'll ever cry…**

Boyd watched from a window as Grace comforted Spencer. She held him close and then when he sank to his knees on the grass she crouched down with him and rubbed his back. Boyd felt comfort from the sight, even through he knew he didn't deserve it. Spencer was struggling to cope and taking his anger out on him, even in his drunken state Boyd could work that out. But his words still hurt, they cut deep. He watched sadly as Grace finally ushered Spencer into the car. Before getting in herself she looked up at the house and stared directly into the window he occupied. Boyd froze, but when Grace smiled slightly at him, he felt himself smile back.

After they left Boyd laid on his bed but could not sleep. His thoughts turned to Mel, he could remember the thud her body made as she had hit the car, the terrified moment he and Grace had paused, froze, even, knowing the object that hit them was a person and not a thing. And then, he recalled the horror he had seen as he climbed out of the car and seen who it was lying there on the road… Mel. Boyd ran to the bathroom and vomited, then cried, then vomited again. As he cried he thought of Mel, her body, the pain, and then nothing as he finally passed out, promising himself he would never cry again.

**You always swear this is theLast tear you'll ever cry,**

Grace returned home exhausted. She ran a hot bath and tried to warm herself up. Her answer machine relayed messages from each of her children wishing her good look and sending their thoughts for the day. After listening to them Grace curled up on the chair as she thought about her other two 'children,' she loved them as much as her own, she rationalised. Only one was gone now, forever, and the other was struggling to find his way without her. He would make it though, she thought, Spencer was strong.

Grace smiled as she thought of Spencer, he was so strong for her throughout the funeral. Afterwards, he cracked, he had held it all inside for too long. Her thoughts turned to Boyd and her mind filtered in more worry. He didn't attend the funeral because he was running away. Grace knew he wasn't a coward, Boyd just wasn't ready to grieve. Grace felt her head ache as she thought of his appearance earlier, wet through, drunk and lost, so lost, she didn't know how he was going to cope. He had been unable to grieve for his son for so long a time, never knowing if he were dead or alive, even though he had been dead to Boyd for many years; maybe that prevented him from grieving for Mel properly, Grace wondered. She closed her eyes, making a silent vow to help him through this, for Mel, knowing the young woman would want nothing else. For the first time since Mel's death Grace slept without tears.

**You always swear this is the last tear…**


End file.
